need a laugh?

Some late night humor for you:

"President Obama's big financial reform bill passed. From now on, bankers will be required to dress like robbers." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House State Dinner"

10. 'May we see your papers, President Calderon?'
9. 'What happened to the dumb guy who used to live here?'
8. 'May we see your papers, President Obama?'
7. 'The pinata is filled with worthless Euros'
6. 'Three whiskey sours and Chuck Schumer takes off his pants'
5. 'Sir, the Republicans are attempting to block the appetizers'
4. 'Lincoln's ghost! Run!'
3. 'Salahi? No, you're not on the list, but how about a lovely bottle of wine'
2. 'Hurry, it's Close-Up Magic Week on the 'Late Show''
1. 'Yes, Mr. Vice President, it is a big F-ing deal'

"I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!" –Jay Leno

Also, I had a good chuckle instigated by these two blogs: Teacher Tales: Homophobes and Bosoms and little old ladies are the same no matter where you live...really. they are.

ADDED: Citizen Reader's quick review of Sexually, I'm More of a Switzerland.

Enjoy!

late night humor

"Hosting 'The Tonight Show' has been the fulfillment of a lifelong dream to me. And I want to say to the kids out there watching, you can do anything you want in life unless Jay Leno wants to do it, too." –Conan O'Brien

"Well, some good news from Afghanistan. Did you hear about this? Critics of the war have stopped referring to it as another Vietnam. The bad news? They're now calling it another NBC." –Jay Leno

"I want to tell you something. I have not been this entertained by NBC since balloon boy threw up on the 'Today Show.'" –David Letterman

Wanda!

the undisputed best Thanksgiving film

Flying to Austin in a couple hours for Thanksgiving. Yee-haw!

Happy Thanksgiving & safe travels to you if you're hitting the road or flying the friendly skies.

chased by cannoli

Rushmore

humor me

"And then today, the big transition process begins, because earlier today, Barack Obama met with President Bush at the White House. So you had the president-elect and the president-inept, so they were there together." --David Letterman

"Historic day at the White House. Earlier today at the White House, you probably saw this, President Bush had a private meeting, in the Oval Office, with President-elect Barack Obama. Then afterwards, Obama met with Dick Cheney to see how things really work." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, lots of sour news about the economy. The federal government has announced that due to the bad economy, it is going to have to lay off 40,000 postal workers. Yeah, 40,000 disgruntled postal workers. What could possibly go wrong?" --Conan O'Brien

"Couple of problems. He [Bush] hasn't been offered as much money as he thinks he deserves for his memoirs, and when they asked him to write an autobiography, he said, 'I don't really know that much about cars.'" -Bill Maher

Aftermath of Obama Victory

"They've proven their minds can be taken over by empty rhetoric."

What Bush - Cheney managed to accomplish

media

humor me

"And how about last night, when Barack Obama had his half hour infomercial TV special. I mean, thank God! It’s about time this guy got some media coverage, don’t you think?" --David Letterman

"The show was very well done. I got to admit, I especially liked the end, where Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud. Wasn’t that unbelievable?" --Jay Leno

"But I thought it was one of those heartwarming infomercials. It had a wonderful ending. In the final scene Barack Obama is adopted by Angelina Jolie." --David Letterman

"In Senator Obama's quest to become the president of television, Obama bought a half-hour infomercial and ran it during prime time on seven different networks. Opening with actual footage of amber waves of grain [on screen: opening to Obama's infomercial] presumably to demonstrate he's the type of guy you want to make a beer with." --Jon Stewart

"Big night of television tonight for Barack Obama. Earlier tonight, Barack Obama aired a half-hour infomercial to attract more voters. Yeah. Yeah, and apparently, if you watched the entire infomercial, Barack threw in a free set of Ginsu knives for you." --Conan O'Brien

Quotable - I hate your politics

"Each of you carries baggage from your political affiliation, and all of that baggage has a punky smell to it, like one of your larger species of rodent crawled in and expired in your folded underwear. Listening to any of you yammer on about the geopolitical situation is enough to make one want to melt down one's dental fillings with a beeswax candle and then jam an ice pick into the freshly-exposed nerve, just to have something else to think about. It's not so much that politics brings out the worst in people than it is that the worst in people goes looking for something to do, and that usually ends up being politics. It's either that or setting fires in trashcans."

~ John Salzi, Whatever: I Hate Your Politics (written in 2002 but is apparently a classic since it applies today and will no doubt be relevant in 2012)

Much more recent from Salzi: Election List X: Some of The Horrible Things That Will Happen To You If You Don’t Vote [I wonder if he's talked to somebody about his penis falling off fears? Probably should.]

It looked nothing like Mr. Obama

Move over, Reagan

humor me

"Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler

"Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush announced today that he will be working with Congress to use hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market. Actually, that was Bush's second choice to fix the problem. First choice? Invade Wall Street." --Jay Leno

humor me

"Big story in USA Today today. They said the days of easy money are over. Well, I'll bet the CEOs of the oil companies had a big laugh over that." –Jay Leno

"The political campaign continues, of course, for the presidency. This Sunday, the entire hour of '60 Minutes' will be devoted to Barack Obama and John McCain. Yeah. Apparently, Barack Obama will be interviewed. John McCain will fill in for Andy Rooney." –Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Barack Obama, earlier this week in Colorado, Barack Obama gave a speech in the middle of a rodeo ring. Yeah. Obama began his speech in the rodeo by saying, 'Hello, I am what is known as a black guy.'" –Conan O'Brien

humor me

"Earlier this evening, Barack Obama was in Hollywood at a big fundraiser, a sold-out fundraiser featuring Barbra Streisand singing. $28,500 a ticket. Barbra Streisand was singing. All the big Hollywood stars were there. It featured dinner prepared by the finest Hollywood chefs serving an array of gourmet food. I believe the topic tonight was how John McCain is out of touch with the common people."
--Jay Leno

"The big news story today is Sarah Palin. Every day, Sarah Palin. And it is not exactly hard-hitting stuff. I haven’t seen the media fawn over a celebrity this much since -- Barack Obama."
--Craig Ferguson

"The presidential election now down to the choice of Barack Obama and what's his name, versus Sarah Palin and what's his name."
--Jay Leno

humor me

"In fact, the other day while talking to a group of supporters, Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton might have been a better pick for vice president than him. Well, that's one thing to get the base fired up. Tell them, they picked the wrong person! Yeah! That'll get them fired up!" --Jay Leno

"John McCain, by gosh, did you know this? He was on 'The View' earlier today. Yup. And I thought to myself, well good Lord, hasn't this man endured enough torture?" --David Letterman

"And as you know, they've already come out with a Sarah Palin action figure. And today, the Democrats released a Joe Biden action figure. It talks and talks and talks. You just can't get the thing to shut up." --Jay Leno

humor me

"The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. Political experts say that if Obama keeps insulting Palin, he could lose the election and win a job at MSNBC." --Conan O'Brien

"In the race for president, all the attention has been focused on governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. So it's easy to forget about the Democrats' choice for VP, Senator Joe Biden. But Biden gave a speech in Columbia, Missouri, yesterday, and he asked the crowd to show some appreciation for Missouri Senator Chuck Graham. Unfortunately, he forgot that Chuck Graham is in a wheelchair [on screen: video of Biden telling Graham to 'stand up,' then having the crowd stand up for Graham]. That's where you just curl up into a ball and pretend you're invisible."
--Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, it's a very strange political campaign. I mean, out on the campaign trail, John McCain and Sarah Palin are talking about how they stood up to the Republican party. They fought the Republican establishment. And they battled Republicans. Their message: vote Republican." --Jay Leno

humor me

"There is some good news for John McCain. According to the latest polls, which came out today, John McCain has started to open up a lead over Barack Obama. This is true. Yeah. The USA Today poll has McCain ahead by ten points. The 'CBS News' poll has the two tied. And the MSNBC poll says that Obama won the election last week."
–Conan O'Brien

"The government is spending, what, $200 billion to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Unemployment, five-year high. Foreclosures are at a 19-year high. This means the Democrats are going to have to work extra hard over the next eight weeks to blow this election."
–Jay Leno

They say that John McCain's biggest challenge is to convince people that he's not George W. Bush. Hey, just the fact he went to Vietnam shows he's not George W. Bush." –Jay Leno